March 13, 2020

A lot of what I shoot, film, write and make goes unseen and unproduced. Files on files of data in my hard drives are mostly still in their raw formats to probably never be touched again. Yet, some have been. Amongst those countless photo days and free form poems are ideas that I planned on producing into more polished projects. Some of which even sit close to completion.

One of those projects is my short film for the song “Daydreaming” by Radiohead. Back in 2016, Radiohead released their enlightened album “A Moon Shaped Pool”. I had recently found my late-blooming obsession with the band and hopped right into repeat mode once this album released. The track I was immediately attached to the most was “Daydreaming”. After countless listens I knew I wanted to film something for it. Exactly how I thought of the idea, I can’t quite remember. All I know is I had a particular expanse of woods close to my house back home in England in mind that I desperately wanted to shoot in. I took a pencil and began to write rough descriptions and messily drawn shot ideas into a storyboard. After a few drafts and many crumpled balls of paper, I had a film to shoot. In a lined page, black-covered Moleskine notebook, I scribbled on page after page an almost shot for shot storyboard for what would become my short music film for one of my all-time favourite bands.

At the time, I had recently got my hands on a camera slider which would allow me to get silky smooth dolly push-ins and trucks. After getting my brother and mother on board, we were set to start shooting in no time. My brother let me have access to his drone at the time with the offer of him piloting it. All this equipment, I was overjoyed that for once I had the necessary tools to bring what I had scruffily drawn—into life.

Those 4 days of shooting were so, so, so much fun. My brother flying a drone through trees, me running frantically through broken branches across countless takes, and my mother trying to drive in the middle of the road so I with my camera out the back could get the shot. I had a vibrancy in my voice as I talked through with my brother on what the shot should look like and what it meant in the story. After each take of my stone-faced standing in shrubbery, I had a wide smile and urgency in my step. In those 4 days of shooting, the anxiety and pressure of creating a polished product didn’t overcome me. It didn’t manage to hold its usual grasp over me. A grasp that would usually cause me to shy away and stifle my creativity. We shot the film.

And then came hour 3 into watching the footage as I started to chunk clips together into a narrative. I panicked and felt a fear I knew; feeling incapable. Feeling incapable of creating something meaningful, new, and beautiful. That summer I watched an average of two films a day. I think I watched almost 200 movies that year. My expectations were out of sight and past the sun. I was let down by myself. Thoughts went from, “This is terrible, don’t even bother editing it.” To the most positive only being, “This pan is kinda cool.” It’s pretty ridiculous when thinking back all these years later. How I would hide and reduce the experience by playing off questions from my mother and brother asking if I had edited it, knowing I pretty much had. Still, I never showed anyone. Even the ones who helped me make it.

I stumbled across “DAYDREAMING_ROUGHCUT_1.mp4” now and then, each time curling back into that mindset. Dismissing it. This time was different. This time after watching it, I was proud. It’s not that bad, I thought. Yes, the story is nonsensical, my facial expressions are hilarious, and my running made me realise how much my feet actually bow out. Though this time I didn’t feel the need to critique and bash every frame. I thought It’s not great, but it’s mine. It’s an experience I had with my mother and brother. Those few days I had such energy to create something. An energy I still have now. An energy I’ve had on other shoots and projects that only a select few, or none have seen too. So, here is my short film. I wanted to share this project and a short story of my relationship with it as a way to bring relief. Hopefully, to whoever reads this, it might even give you a smidge, an ounce of self-confidence and realisation that it’s not always best to hold back. Share with others, be proud of your work. Improve, create, and strive to make something as beautiful as you know deep down you can.

So why has it taken me 4 years to release this? Maybe it was because of laziness. Maybe from feeling incompetent. Maybe from fear getting the upper hand. What I know now is that I do and will feel this again. I also know that I will overcome it too. I strive to let the latter win more often.

watch it here

Jay